Learning to Live
by Jane Doe
Summary: Sara recalls a day in her childhood that changed her life forever. Please r/r!
1. Default Chapter

Learning to Live 

By Jane Doe 

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI in any shape or form, no surprise there. 

Summary: This story is mostly Sara recalling a particular day of her childhood to better understand the adult Sara Sidle. In the last chapter Grissom does make an appearance to help her though. It's just a story about Sara and her road to the career burnout that Grissom warns her about. 

Author's Notes: It's a G/S friendship piece only. No love or kissing just friendly support. I will warn you way ahead of time that it has character death. It is rated R for language, if you were wondering, but other than that it's a clean piece of writing. Reviews are highly welcomed as always by everyone. 

Chapter 1 

It was summer. July 11th of the year 1983 and Sara Sidle was twelve years old. On this one particular day in one moment, her life was changed forever. 

She sat in her usual reading spot on the beach out-looking the ocean. That was one of the perks for living so close to the bay, and Sara spent most, if not all, her extra time here. The sun was hot but the air from the Pacific was cool. It wasn't so strange that she wore her favorite long sleeved striped shirt and a pair of shorts. She was a very plain girl. Most girls at her age were wearing the latest neon colors that the rock stars were wearing and had makeup on. She wore her tank tops and shorts at the beach, and when at school she usually wore a long sleeve shirt with a print on it and pants. She never liked to show her legs at school; she thought it distasteful. She was very mature for her age, but for the most part, Sara dressed the way she did because she didn't understand why she had to impress anyone with looks instead of brains. Sara Sidle wasn't about to try either. 

Her dark brown shoulder length hair wiped around in her face as she tilted her head to the sky. The sky was the bluest of blues. Seagulls dipped up and down on the air currents. She brushed her hair from her face and let her eyes fall back to her book. She would sit there for hours reading all by herself. It wasn't often that Sara was anywhere but here. This is what she loved to do. Read and learn about anything and everything her mind would absorb. For most children that interest and curiosity was lost after the age of five. For Sara, curiosity was her drive to achieve and become better than what this life held for her. That drive pulled her ahead a whole grade level in the subjects such as mathematics and science, which she loved. She was average in subjects that relied on one's ability to communicate. That was never her strong point. 

People found Sara brazen and blunt, and often called her rude. Her temper was mild. She never got over angry at anything because it was all solvable through hard work. She put more pressure on herself than the entire world ever could to solve the problem or stand up for what she knew was right. When it proved difficult to solve Sara did get angry though, and no one wanted to be around her when that happened. Like everything she did, it wasn't by half. So when she argued that meant a full blown argument; screaming and yelling back with as much force as the other guy. It was these upsets due to her stubbornness that got Sara in trouble at school and with her parents. Sara wasn't a spoiled brat or anything like that, she just strongly believed in what she fought for. Her parents were proud but more annoyed by the end of an argument. She could reason and compromise but would not just accept that nothing could be done to solve the problem. If indeed the authority figure was right and Sara was wrong she would gladly take the loss as a learning experience. Acceptance did not work well with stubbornness though and it proved quite hard for Sara to calm down. That's why even her classmates often found her personality obnoxious. Most of them didn't even bother with her. Over the years she got used to being a loner. In many ways Sara enjoyed being alone. It provided control and independence that was naturally appealing. 

"What the hell are you reading now?" A young girl about two years older than Sara pulled the book out of Sara's hand. "Who Are You? . It sounds stupid." 

Sara squinted into the sun at the girl. "You shouldn't swear so much." She grabbed her book back. "And my book is not stupid. It's actually very interesting." 

"Well how the hell interesting can it be with a dumbass title like that?" 

"Swearing shows your intelligence Rainey. It's not too high right now." Sara started to read again. 

The girl flopped down beside Sara. "Intelligence my ass Sare." Sara shut her book and stared at the girl with contempt. "Sorry." Rainey said. "I'll stop. So what's it about? Is this the same one you were reading last week?" 

"No. I finished that one of course. It was very good. You were right it was the revengeful brother." 

"I knew it and I didn't even have to read the book." Her friend smiled and Sara smiled too. Her name was Larraine Davis and the only real friend Sara had. She moved to California from Arizona three years ago. They met in the library when Larraine was doing research for extra credit to bring up a slipping grade in science. Sara helped the very frustrated Larraine and it was an immediate connection even though the two were exact opposites. Larraine was somewhat popular, had the pretty dirty blond hair, the perfect teeth, the tanned skin, and the clothes with style. Not to mention she was almost two years older than Sara. Her attitude and language got her in trouble most of the time at school. When they first met Larraine would say the f-word in every sentence but Sara toned her down a bit and was happy to report that Larraine was doing much better. Granted a few times some swear words slipped but the girl had come a long way. So anyway despite the age difference and personalities, they got along great. If anything they reinforced each other's recessive personality traits. Long story short they were the best of friends regardless and were inseparable. 

"So what's it about? Is it another mystery you can tell me about and I can tell you who did it before you finish?" Rainey smiled at her. 

"This time it's a work of nonfiction written by a doctor. It's about discovering oneself and recognizing your place in society." Sara said pronouncing every word correctly and clearly. 

"What the...why are you reading such crap? I don't even know what the summary says let alone the pages." 

Sara laughed. "Instead of me retelling the stories maybe you should read more often yourself." 

"I hate to read. And you're a good storyteller." She rocked over on her side and pushed Sara back in the sand. The two girls went into a frenzy of laughter as Rainey landed on top of Sara and acted like dead weight. "I am can't move Sara. The laws of gravity have enforced their vengeance on me." 

"Get off of me Rainey. You're crazy you know that?" Came Sara's voice under her friend. 

"You're the one reading that stupid book." She said getting off Sara. "What made you read a book like that anyway?" 

Sara's face got serious and almost sad. "The councilor from school called my parents. She said that I need to work on my people skills. My mom agrees with her. I had an option: go to a workshop for kids or read the book." 

"Your mom is a stoner Sara and that councilor can go to hell. Why is she bothering you anyway? School is out." 

"I don't know." Sara shrugged. "Concerned I guess." 

"Well there isn't a thing wrong with you. It's the rest of the world that they should be worried about." She punched her in the arm. "Fuck 'em." 

Sara's face went red. It was true her parents were ex-hippies and the councilor was mean to her, but that wasn't what bothered her. "I told you not to swear in front of me." Her tone was serious but the smile that was breaking through betrayed her. 

"Oh, it's true Sara. Those kind of people suck. I may swear too much but you need to swear more often." 

"No I don't." Sara said defiantly. 

"You can't sit there and tell me that you aren't upset about what your parents are making you do?" 

She straightened her shoulders. "Yes but I don't need to swear. Words are a reflection of..." 

Rainey held up a hand to stop her. "Character. I know I heard the speech. Just admit it. When you heard them say that about you, you wanted to tell them off." 

Sara squinted into the sun over the horizon. "Yeah I did." 

Rainey got to her feet. "Get up." 

"Why?" She looked up at her friend. 

"Why are you always so full of questions?" Sara was about to answer but Rainey stopped her. "It's rhetorical Sare. Just stand up, would ya?" 

"Fine." Sara brushed the sand off her butt and the back of her legs. "Now what?" 

"I want you to scream to the top of those little lungs and tell the world how they made you feel." 

She looked at her quizzacally. "And the purpose of this is what exactly?" 

Rainey sighed. "To make you feel better. Now go." 

"I feel stupid." Sara said dropping her hands to her side. 

"You are stupid butthead." Rainey smiled. 

"I am not stupid. And your the butthead." 

"Just go." Rainey whined. 

"You go and I'll follow." 

"No way because you never go and I end up looking like a nutcase." 

"Rainey you are a nutcase." Sara joked. 

Rainey let out a shout as high as her vocal chords could allow. Sara actually jumped at the unexpected sound. Once the screaming stopped she smiled over to Sara. "I feel better." 

"I don't; you scared me. You could have given me warning or something." 

"My throat hurts." Rainey clutched her throat and Sara laughed. 

"Real smart move. You made your throat sore. Two thumbs up for you." Sara did the motion with her thumbs and Rainey tackled her. She began to tickle Sara until she was in tears. "Stop Rainey!" 

"Think you're soooooo smart," she said still attacking her. 

"Get off of me!" Sara used her strength to throw Rainey into the sand. "How old are you anyway?" 

Rainey laughed. "Fourteen and your ninety." 

"I am not ninety." Sara glared at Rainey as she stood up. "You're too old to start a tickling fight." 

"Whatever grandma," she stood up too and brushed the sand off her clothes. "You just never had a big sister to kick your skinny butt." 

This time Sara tackled Rainey and tickled her. "I can't hear your apology Rainey." 

She was beet red with laughter. "That's because I am not going to apologize!" She rolled Sara off of her. "I have at least ten pounds on your meager eighty pound butt." 

"I do not weigh eighty pounds." Sara said dryly finding no fun in her size. "I weigh just what I should for my height." 

"Spoken like a true textbook." Rainey quickly grabbed Sara's book. "Speaking of which..." She stood up again and threw the entire book into the current of the Pacific Ocean. "There, that's better." 

"Larraine Davis you just threw my book into the Pacific Ocean!" Sara shouted the obvious. 

Rainey shrugged and started to walk back down the beach. "You don't need that book Sare so trust me that's just were it belongs." 

Sara gave one last look at her book as the waves pounded the pages into the sand before she ran down the beach to catch up with her friend. 

tbc... 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: Another day and another chapter. Hope you like it. Rating was switched since no more real swearing in the rest of the chapters. That's it! 

Chapter 2 

"So where are we going?" A curious Sara asked as she dusted the sand from her shoes. "I would love to go to that new book store, since my other book is currently polluting the ocean." 

Rainey smiled. "Always looking at the negative side of things. Think of it this way, that book is out of sight, and out of mind. Your social problems are solved." 

"Right. Can we go to the book store or what?" 

"Or what. We can go after we grab a bite to eat at Henry's." 

Sara laced her shoes. "I hate Henry's. His restaurant is disgusting. I bet he hasn't even heard of Clorox." 

"It's greasy pizza and french fries Sare." She said with a shake of the head. "It's not suppose to be clean." 

"I prefer food without years of dirt in it." She said walking down the sidewalk. 

"Too bad." Sara stopped and Rainey kept going until she realized Sara wasn't beside her anymore. "Now what?" Rainey asked tiredly turning to Sara. 

Without a word Sara turned the other way and stalked off. "I'm going home." 

"Sara wait!" Rainey ran after Sara and grabbed her wrist. When Sara set her mind to something nothing was going to change it. Rainey knew this better than anyone. "Fine we will go to the bookstore then eat at Anna's on Poinsett." 

Sara smiled. "Perfect." 

Rainey looped her arm around Sara's arm. "Did I ever tell you that you have no taste?" 

"That would be a lie. Anna's is much better than Henry's." 

"Like I said no taste in food," she looked at Sara's shirt. "And none in clothes." 

Sara smoothed her shirt. The thin strips were orange and blue. "I love this shirt." 

"It shows. You've probably had it since the third grade." 

"Fifth." 

The girls laughed together. "Come on let's buy some books. Maybe I'll get one." Rainey said. 

"Yeah right." Sara mumbled. 

The book store smelled of moth balls and old paper. Sara fell in love. It just so happened that the store manager got in a new shipment of astronomy and mystery books. Sara was in heaven. 

"Rainey look at this," Sara held out the book. "It's a book about space. The Inner Workings of Space and Time. I so have to get this." 

Rainey frowned and held up her book. "I like this one. Lovers Become Enemies and it's a mystery." 

"Cool. We could swap after we read them." 

"I don't think I can read your book. Sorry I am not as smart as you Great Sara." She put her book down and ruffled Sara's hair into a frenzy. 

"Quit!" Sara jumped away and continued to look through the book store totally ignoring her friend until she came running up beside her. 

"Sare! Jimmy Noolan and Todd Smith just asked to eat with us at Anna's. Let's go." She grabbed Sara's arm and drug her out the door. 

"We forgot to get the books!" Sara cried shrugging off Rainey's grasp and running back in the store. Sara was mature for her age but wasn't ready for the boy phase yet. Rainey tended to just drag her along anyway. Sara was still a child at heart; it was her brain that was years beyond the rest of her. 

Rainey went back for her book in a hurry. The two girls purchase their books and were on their way. Sara took her time strolling along while neatly tucking her book into a brown paper bag when Rainey grabbed her arm again. 

"Sara don't be such a pain in the ass. Hurry, they are going to meet us there." 

Sara exhaled deeply and jogged after Rainey. Jimmy had a crush on Rainey and Todd had a big crush on Sara despite her efforts to ignore him. Naturally Sara didn't make it out to be as big a deal as Rainey did, because it was a sure thing Sara would be disappointed. 

"Hi Larraine!" Jimmy waved them over to a booth they were saving. "Come sit down." 

The girls glanced at each other then at the booth. "Let's go Sare." She lead the way over to the booth and slid in the empty side. Sara sat down next to her. "Hey guys you ready to order some pizza?" 

"Sounds good to us." Jimmy smiled. 

Todd glanced at Sara. "Hey Sara. Did you get a new book?" 

Sara eyes lit up at the topic chosen for discussion. "Yeah it's one about space. It talks about..." 

Rainey elbowed her in the side. "I am sure Todd would like to talk about something else Sara." 

"Well then he can tell me so." Sara snapped back to Todd. "Well Todd?" 

He hesitated. "I like books. Are comics classified as books?" 

Sara rolled her eyes. What had she gotten herself into. She set herself up every time. The guy was cute until he opened that dumb mouth. "Rainey we should go." 

She gaped at Sara. "Why?" 

"Because I am going to say something I shouldn't have and you're going to get mad." It was a true big sister/little sister relationship. Sara often ruined every opportunity for Rainey to meet a boy. What Sara didn't know was that she didn't mind having Sara around at all. In fact Rainey relied on Sara many times to pass a good judgment of character. To say the least, Rainey saw Sara as a good friend, not a nuisance. Rainey looked at Sara then back to the boys, who wore a face of disgust at Sara's open rudeness. 

Jimmy pointed a thumb at Sara. "You shouldn't have brought the shrew Larraine." 

Larraine's face turned red. "What did you just say about her?" 

Sara was beyond words, she just grabbed his thumb and twisted it hard. "Jimmy do you know how immature it is to call names? Didn't your mother teach you manners?" Sara twisted it harder. 

"Let go!" Jimmy yelled. "I am sorry okay! Okay!" 

Sara let go and shuffled out of the booth. "Do you even know what a shrew is?" Jimmy just looked at Sara with pure hatred. "That's what I thought." She finished. 

Rainey just laughed. She was in tears of laughter and was pointing at the two boys. "You are the biggest jackass to say something like that to Sara." Sara gave her a scolding glare at the language used. "Sorry Sare." 

Sara turned on her heels and walked out the restaurant with Rainey in tow. It was a good thing too because Anna was coming out from the kitchen to yell at them for such language in a public family place. 

"Jesus Christ Sare! I never knew you had it in you." She clapped her on the back as they walked down the sidewalk. 

"Unless you see Jesus Christ walking towards me, don't shout out his name." She said ignoring the compliment as she walked up the hill towards home. 

"Sorry Sare. You did good though." 

She shrugged. "I knew if you got him to repeat it, he would have more than a hurt thumb." Sara smiled at Rainey. She knew her friend had quite a temper and probably would have broken Jimmy's nose if given the chance. Cute or not, Rainey didn't put up with anyone's attitude. 

"Thanks for knowing me so well." She stopped Sara by the arm to spin her around. "I mean it. You're the best friend I have ever had Sara." 

"You're mine too Rainey." Sara said happily that Rainey wasn't upset. 

Rainey hugged Sara tight. "Love you kiddo." 

Sara squeezed back. "I hate it when you call me kiddo. I am only two years younger than you." 

When they pulled away, Sara thought she saw tears in Rainey's eyes but she brushed her face with her hands before she could tell. 

"Wow look at the time." Rainey looked at her purple watch. "Almost one o'clock and still no lunch." 

"We could eat at my house." Sara suggested. 

"Cool. You know how my dad is about visitors." 

"I know." Sara sighed. "Well let's go then." She threw her bag under her arm and began the trek. "But my mom won't be too happy either when Jimmy's parents call her." 

Rainey chuckled. "I'll vouch for ya. You have nothing to worry about. They were total jerks." 

"She thinks you're a bad influence." Sara smiled widely showing her gap. 

"Nothing could influence you Sara Sidle. You are one of a kind and nothing will change that." 

tbc... 


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: I know it's not really going anywhere right now but I promise it's coming. Thanks to those that reviewed and keep reading, lots of GSR in the end. 

Chapter 3 

"Sara is that you?" Mrs. Sidle called at the sound of the bells jingling on the door. The seaside bed and breakfast had many visitors during this time of year. Everyone wanted to be near the coast in the summer. The sunsets were spectacular and so was the food. Sara's father was a great cook and people knew that the Sidles had the best place for miles this close to shore. 

"Yes mom, it's me and Rainey!" She yelled back to her mother. She walked around the corner to the front desk to where here mother stood. "We wanted to grab a bite to eat." 

"Larraine is it all right with your parents to eat here?" 

Rainey shrugged. "Yes ma'am." 

Sara snickered at the change in demeanor. Rainey never acted so polite to anyone. She just ignored her and smiled brightly to Mrs. Sidle. 

"Well fine. Go grab something from the kitchen. You two missed lunch so it's in the fridge." The girls started for the kitchen. "And Sara?" 

"Yeah?" Sara turned to face her mother. 

"What's that?" She pointed to the bag under her arm. 

"Oh just another book. I used my money from Grandma so..." 

She shook a finger at Sara. "You read too much. Give it here." 

"Mom..." She whined as she handed her mother the book. 

"No Sara. Go play, have fun. Don't read your life away. You should get out more. See more people." 

Her parents were always telling Sara to lighten up. They thought if she was this high-strung as a child, the adult Sara Sidle would be much worse. Sara was getting tired of the sermon. She thought her parents were too lax towards life. Often times she felt as if she was the grown up and her parents needed taken care of. That attitude got her into trouble on most occasions. 

"I see people everyday and I am not pleased with the results. Besides I am with Rainey all the time. She is a person." Sara countered. 

"Sara Sidle don't back-talk me. You understand?" 

She straightened her shoulders. "I wasn't back-talking, I was explaining." 

Mrs. Sidle shook her head. Sara was stubborn and enough of a child to handle on a good day let alone on a bad day. Mrs. Sidle didn't know what kind of day her daughter was having, but wasn't going to risk it. "Go eat." 

"Can I have my book back please?" Sara begged. 

"Fine, but I hope you learn something from that book the councilor gave you." 

Sara glanced back to Rainey who was smiling ear to ear. "Oh I am sure I can learn a lot from that book mom." Sara replied walking over to Rainey. 

"Yeah like how to swim." Rainey whispered in her ear as they walked to the kitchen. 

After the girls ate some amazing sandwiches, courtesy of Mr. Sidle, they went to the porch to sit with Mr. Dorsuzie. He was an older man of about sixty-five and a regular guest this time of year. He was always very friendly to the both of them. Sara often preferred to sit with him than read a book. 

"How are you doing Miss Sara?" He said into his hat that fell across his face keeping the light out of his eyes. He often sat here to get away from his bitter old wife, who had something bad to say about everything. In fact she probably is the one that kicked him out to the porch in the first place. 

Sara looked at Rainey. "We thought you were asleep." 

He raised his hat. "Well I'll be. Miss Rainey, how are you? Is my Sara keeping you out of trouble?" 

Rainey made a side glance to Sara. "No." 

"Hey!" Sara exclaimed. "Don't listen to her Mr. Dorsuzie, she is the older one but rarely shows it. I think she gets in more trouble than I can keep up with." 

The old man smiled a toothy grin. "Ah teenagers are. You'll soon be getting there too Sara." 

"Doesn't matter I am still more grown up than her." She snickered. Rainey hit her in the shoulder. 

"Watch it Sare. Wait until you get a crush or start to listen to music rather than read." 

Mr. Dorsuzie laughed a deep throat laugh. "Sara is too smart for that." 

"I'll take that as a compliment." Sara began to water the plants and flowers on the porch. 

"Well, I better get back inside girls. My wife probably misses me." He teased. 

"See you later Mr. Dorsuzie." Sara and Rainey called after him. Rainey took his spot on the rocking chair while Sara fiddled with the flower pots. 

"Sare come on let's go." Rainey whined breaking the silence. "I can't stand to waste a day reading and learning. That's what school is for. School has been out for over a month Sare. Let's do something fun." 

Sara finished watering the flowers on the porch. "Like what?" 

"We can go swimming." 

Sara frowned. "The current is too strong. The news said a storm is headed this way." 

Rainey didn't let Sara's words affect her upbeat mood, which happened a lot. "We can swim at the pool." 

"Too busy with five year olds." 

Rainey nodded her head. It was true. During the summer only the small kids went to the pool. "Sara," she looked out at the street. "Run away with me then." 

Sara laughed. "What? You're kidding right?" 

Rainey turned to face her. "No. I want to run away and I want you to come with me." 

Sara folded her arms across her chest. "We ran away before, and were back before dark because we didn't want to get in trouble." 

"I am serious. No coming back. I hate it here." 

"I know, so do I." Sara said sadly. It was strange but both girls wanted desperately to get out of California. They had different reasons but the ambition to go to new places thrived in them both. 

Rainey mimicked Sara's action by folding her arms across her chest. "Come on Sara, where is your sense of adventure?" 

"I have adventure. I was the one that ran away and I took you with me remember." 

"It was the best four hours of my life." The girl smiled. "Let's go. Just go. No planning, just the wind to carry us. You wouldn't let me down, would you Sare?" 

Sara thought about it and released a heavy sigh. "Let's go. You know I would never let you down Larraine Davis. If you want to run away then I want to be there every step of the way." 

Rainey grabbed Sara's wrist and pulled her down the steps. "Let's go kiddo." 

tbc... 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

Rainey and Sara walked along the beach for hours looking for seashells and talking. This classified as running away for now. They decided to run away after they checked for shells. Walking along the beach for shells was part of a weekly routine. They couldn't leave home without the proper shells. 

"So Sara what do you want for your birthday?" Rainey called across to her. 

"It's two months away." 

Rainey picked up a beautiful colored shell. "I know that, but I want to get you something really great. You're becoming a teenager. It has to be amazing." 

Sara looked at Rainey's shell closely. "You should keep that one. It's the first one I've seen like that." She began to walk off. "You don't have to get my anything, but since you asked..." She smiled back to Rainey. 

"What?!" She ran to Sara's side. "Tell me." 

"I want a necklace just like yours." Sara pointed to the necklace around Rainey's neck. 

"What kind of gift is that!" Rainey exclaimed fiddling with her necklace. "Why would you want something so un-special? It's just a necklace Sare." 

"I love that necklace." Sara said looking away embarrassed. 

"It doesn't matter. I am going to get you what I was going to in the first place." 

"Which is?" Sara knew it was going to be horrible just by the way Rainey was smiling. 

"A push-up bra." Rainey laughed. 

Sara hit her in the arm. "Shut up Rainey!" Sara wasn't big busted because of her weight. She still wore a gym bra while other girls were wearing the real bras. 

"You need some make-up too." Sara pouted and began to stomped off. Rainey stopped laughing and ran after Sara. "I didn't mean it as a bad thing Sare. I was just saying that you're really pretty. You shouldn't try to ignore that." 

Sara rolled her eyes. "Yeah right. My gap is so wonderful. And my brown eyes and brown hair are just so unique. I am so interesting to look at." Her tone was sarcastic. 

"Hey I would kill for your hair. It's so soft and shiny. And eyes are the windows to the soul; you have a brown soul kiddo." 

She tilted her head. "A brown soul?" 

"Yes. Brown is warm and welcoming. It shows how caring and dedicated you are. Anyway I think they are beautiful and so is your gap. It makes you someone special; not just some other dumb blond like me." 

"You are not dumb Rainey." Sara said seriously. 

"You're just saying that because your my best friend." 

Sara smiled again. "And that's why you are saying such nice things about me." 

Rainey released a nervous laugh. "It is not. I am sure some hot guy will think the same thing. That tall, mysterious, handsome,..." 

"Intelligent." Sara put in. 

"Yes, intelligent guy that can make your heart flutter just by looking at you." Rainey wrapped an arm around Sara's waist. "And the best kisser in the world." 

Sara laughed. "You really are crazy." 

"I know but you love me anyway." She stopped walking and removed her necklace. "Here." She stepped behind Sara and pushed her hair off her neck to clasp the necklace around Sara's neck. "Consider it an early birthday present." 

Sara stared down at the necklace as she turned it in her hand. Black leather served as the short chain and at the bottom a silver pendant with a turquoise stone inside. Sara thought it was beautiful. "Thank you." Was all she could say. 

"Don't go crying on me. If you cry then I will too and once I start I can't stop. It's just a necklace anyway. No big deal." 

"It's a big deal to me. Thanks Rainey. You really are the best friend." Sara hugged her tight. 

"I am your only best friend remember?" Rainey joked to keep from crying. 

Sara pulled away. "Who needs another one, when you do such a great job?" 

Both girls smiled at each other. "It's going to rain look at those clouds." Sara pointed out over the ocean. "That storm must be getting close to shore." 

"We better hurry then." 

"Yeah." Sara watched the dark clouds move across the horizon. 

tbc... 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

When the rain hit it was just passed sunset and passed their curfew. Sara and Rainey were soaked head to toe and were chilled to the bone in minutes. The storm was moving to the east of them but the threat of getting struck by lightening was still at their doorstep. 

"We need to get out of the rain!" Sara shouted over the thunder. 

Rainey shivered. "I know. Let's run over to the school. We can stand under the overhang for the car-riders." 

A blue smile crossed Sara's lips. "Sounds good to me." She chattered. 

The girls made a run for it and managed to get there safely. They huddled together near the locked doors for warmth and watched the rain. 

"I think we should have run away another day." Sara whispered. 

Rainey smiled. "Chicken. I never thought a little rain would scare you from an adventure." 

"First of all, it's a storm and I am not chicken; just smart." 

Rainey laughed. "Sare you are so chicken." 

Another eye roll. "Whatever. How long has it been since we ran away from home?" 

Rainey looked at her watch. "Six hours, a new record." 

"Do you think our parents are mad at us?" Sara frowned. 

"Mine? Hell no. Yours; definitely." 

Sara noticed that Rainey's parents didn't like having her around much. Her mother was the nicest person in the world and was probably upset despite what Rainey said. Mrs. Davis was always the kindest person to Sara, and was like a second mother. Rainey's father was another matter. He was mean, or so Sara heard. She never really met him in the three years she was friends with Rainey. Rainey didn't like to talk about her family much but then again neither did Sara. "Well," Sara said. "If we are going to do this right, we need a place to sleep for the night." 

"I was hoping you weren't going to leave me." She smiled. 

"I would never leave you behind. Come on. I know how we can get in the school." Sara stood up and ran into the downpour of rain until she came to a window along the side of the school. 

"It's the window to the girl's bathroom. I can fit through if you can give me a boost." Sara stared at the window then back to Rainey. 

Rainey looked up at the window. "Is it open?" 

"It's only held closed by a latch and I can slide a stick in to unhook it." Sara looked on the ground for a sturdy stick then held one up. "Perfect." 

"Are you sure you can fit?" Rainey asked looking at the hole in the wall. 

"Yeah. I climbed through the last day of school when I got in that fight with Jamie and his brutes for teasing some six grader." 

"Why did you climb out of the window?" 

"Brad Thompson hit me in the stomach and was going to beat the crap out of me." 

"You ran?" 

A devilish smile spread across her lips. "Well I ran after I punched him in the face." 

Rainey giggled. Sara really was just a kid. "Okay. Let's get you up there." She intertwined her fingers to form a step for Sara to jump up. Sara unhooked the latch with the stick and opened the window. 

"Give me a boost." Sara called down. With one solid push Sara was in the bathroom. "Now go to the front doors, I'll let you in." She called out. 

Rainey ran as fast as she could reaching the door before Sara did. Sara unlocked the door and dutifully held the door open for her. 

"Oh that's better." Rainey said loudly as it echoed off the bare walls. With squeaky shoes they explored the school. 

"This place is creepy without all the people." Rainey called across the lunchroom. They decided to explore it first since it was closest. 

"It's peaceful." Sara answered but stopped when she heard a bang. "Did you hear that?" 

"Hear what?" 

"The door opened and closed." 

"You're hearing things Sara. If anything it's the wind." 

"No. The wind was blowing to the north." Sara said confidently. "I am sure." 

"I forgot, you're a walking compass and barometer." She teased. 

Squeaky footsteps neared the cafeteria and this time both girls heard it. They looked at each other. Rainey mouthed the word run and they both took off through the cafeteria doors towards the main hallway. 

"Not so fast!" A young officer shouted as he caught Sara around the waist. Sara struggled while Rainey began to kick the cop in his shin. 

"Let her go you pervert!" Rainey yelled. 

"Get the other one Gary!" 

The other officer, Gary, came jogging down the hall and grabbed a good hold of Rainey. "Now let's just settle down." He yelled over their shouts. 

Sara stopped kicking and was released back to the floor. Rainey on the other hand was still held back by Gary. It must have been the swearing of every word imaginable that made her seem more hostile than Sara. 

"What are you two doing in here?" Gary asked calmly. 

Rainey and Sara shared a glance. "It's hard to stay dry in a storm." Sara hissed angrily. 

Gary looked at his partner then back to Sara. "Sara Sidle right?" He smiled. "Your parents are worried sick about you. And who is your friend?" 

"Larraine Davis." Rainey spat. "And if you don't let me go..." 

He dropped his hands from Rainey's arm and shoulder. "No need to get upset Larraine Davis and we don't need your mouth." He said sternly. 

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes. 

The officers looked at each other then back to the girls. "Do you two realize that you just broke into the school and it's illegal?" Neither girl said a word. "Well this is what we can do. We can take you two home or we could take you to prison for trespassing. What will it be?" 

"We can walk." Rainey said coldly. 

He smiled. "I am glad you agree that prison it's the right place for two teenage girls, but we will escort you home in the patrol car. You're parents would have us fired for allowing you to walk in this storm." 

Sara sighed in defeat and grabbed Rainey's hand. It wouldn't have lasted long anyway. "Let's go Rainey." Rainey also released a heavy sigh and squeezed Sara's hand for comfort. They knew they were in big trouble. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"I'll call you. Pick up please." She whispered to Sara then she was gone as the officer escorted her up the path to her front door. 

Rainey's father answered and even from so far away, Sara knew he wasn't happy. She let her head fall to the head rest. Her parents weren't going to be to happy either. She was going to be in big trouble. The officer climbed back in. 

"Good guy." He said lightly. "He seemed really thankful that we brought her back safe." 

"Yeah the way she acted, you thought she was going to be in trouble." 

"Well you know parents. They are grateful now and angry later." He turned to look at Sara. "You ready to go home Miss Sidle?" 

Sara just stared out the window at the rain. Something didn't feel right and something wasn't making sense. Her brow knitted as the gears turned. 

"Something wrong?" Gary asked. 

She shook her head. "No." 

The car ride home was dreadful. Sara felt sick and confused. Her thoughts, even at her age, were bothering her. She didn't even realize she was home, because she was so deep in thought. As soon as she stepped out of the car she was assaulted by her mother's hugs. 

"Sara Sidle what were you thinking?!" Her mother was upset, but relieved that Sara was okay. 

"Hey dad." Sara said looking up at the tall man standing behind her mom. His eyes were warm but his eyes were always warm for Sara. 

He frowned down at his daughter. "Hey Sara." He said in a gush of relief. 

"Don't talk to her like she did nothing wrong. Sara I want to know what you were doing breaking into a school." 

She shrugged. "It's hard to keep dry in a storm." 

The officers laughed breaking some of the tension. "Same thing she told us ma'am. Well we better go, our job is done. Have a good night ma'am. Sir. Miss." 

"Thank you officers." Mr. Sidle called out to them as they ran to their car. 

Mrs. Sidle shook Sara's shoulders. "Now you, young lady, have some explaining to do. You were with that girl weren't you?" 

Sara perked up at the mention of Rainey. "My actions had nothing to do with Rainey mom." 

"I don't want to hear it Sara. I tell you to have fun and be a kid, not a convict!" 

Sara's father put an arm on his wife's shoulder. "She's been through enough, you can yell at her tomorrow babe." Mr. Sidle then put an arm around Sara. "Go up stairs and get some dry clothes on and I want to see you in bed when I check on you." Sara looked at her watch and was about to note that it was still early for a summer bedtime. "No buts." He said sternly. She gave up and dragged her tired body upstairs. 

After a shower, which she took the liberty on adding on to her orders, she lay in bed looking at the ceiling. She waited by the phone to make sure she was the first to pick it up before her mom got a chance to; she wouldn't permit a phone call from Sara's accomplice in crime. Sara smiled to herself, it was fun though. The phone rang and made her jump. She fumbled with the receiver. 

"Rainey?" 

"Sara I need your help. It's my dad..." 

Sara heard the sound of someone picking up the phone. "Hello?" Her mother said picking up. 

"Sara please." Rainey pleaded. Her voice was tainted with fear and Sara was worried. Something was very wrong. 

"Larraine Davis, I suggest you hang up right now or I will have a talk with your parents." Mrs. Sidle's booming voice almost shook the phone. 

There was a sudden dial tone as Rainey disconnected the call. Sara soon hung up too. She stared out her window that was near her bed and absentmindedly played with the necklace Rainey gave her. She jumped up and threw on some clothes. Rainey needed help and Sara had to get to her and she knew her parents would not allow such an adventure. She grabbed her raincoat and climbed out the window and down the lattice sheet outside her window. The rain slowed to a sprinkle which allowed maximum speed for the seven block journey inland to Rainey's house. 

tbc... 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

Sara found the house with no problem in the dark. It was a nice white house and well kept. It sat back in from the road with a big back yard. Sara threw a pebble to Rainey's window to get her attention. Rainey poked a head out. "Oh Sara!" She exclaimed in a hushed whisper. "Meet me at the back door." 

Sara nodded and tiptoed to the back. Rainey came out as quiet as a mouse. 

"Rainey what's wrong?" Sara whispered. 

There were tears in her eyes and when the light from the back stoop finally fell upon Rainey's face a massive black eye was revealed. "Sare..." She started. 

Sara touched her eye and Rainey jerked. "What happened?" Rainey was quiet and looked at the ground. "Your dad?" Sara asked puzzled. 

Rainey nodded and suddenly that awful feeling that something wasn't right made perfect sense. Sara started to breath heavily in anger. Someone was hurting her best friend and she didn't even know. She was mad at her dad who did this to her and mad at herself for not realizing that something was wrong sooner. 

"Sara look at me." She touched her shoulder and Sara raised her head. "It's not that bad. My mom is a lot worse." 

"Your mom?" Sara started to panic. "Rainey we have to tell someone. The police can help us. Let's go to the police." 

Rainey shook her head. "No. He'll hurt my mom again. My little brother is too afraid to talk and my mom can't move so he'll know it was me." She started to shake. "He came after us Sare. He was so mad and he kept hitting her and then he took her to the bedroom." 

Sara couldn't breathe. "Rainey we have to tell someone." 

"Sare no. Please. He is drunk now. I need to get my mom and brother out of there before he wakes up. I need you to help me carry my mom." 

Every bone in Sara's body screamed for her to run and get help, but if she did she didn't know what she would come back to. If something happened to Rainey, or her mom and brother, Sara couldn't live with herself. "Rainey you have to promise me that if we get your mom and brother out, we go right to the police." 

"I promise." She hugged Sara. "Thank you." 

Sara tried to smile. "That's what friends are for." 

The two of them tiptoed into the house. Rainey's father was passed out on the couch in a dress shirt and dress pants. Sara noted how unlike an abusive father he really looked. She always thought that bad people were supposed to be dirty, mean, ugly, and disgusting, but Mr. Davis was just the opposite. His hair was neat and he took pride in his appearance. The way he acted with the officer told her that he had manners and was a nice man. How could he be such an awful man? 

They made their way to her brothers room. "Johnny." Rainey whispered. He sat in the corner with his ears covered. Sara looked at him closely. He was only six years old and a scrawny little thing. 

"Oh Larraine!" He shouted and ran to his sister's arms. 

"Shh. Listen me and Sara are going to get out of here and want you to come with us. You want to come?" The boy nodded. "Okay get dressed and put on your coat, then meet us in the backyard." 

He didn't let go of Rainey's arm as she turned to walk away. "Where are you going?" 

She smiled. "To get mom of course. She wants to go on this trip too Johnny." 

"Okay. No daddy?" 

"No daddy." She patted her brother's shoulder. "Get ready." 

Sara and Rainey walked down the hall and into the bedroom where her mother lay unconscious on the floor. Sara was shocked at the sight. Every time she met Mrs. Davis she was always so happy and nice. Now she looked horrible. Rainey seemed unaffected by the sight. She just went to her mother's side and started to talk to her. 

"Mom? Wake up we need to go. Come on." She shook her mother's arm but got no response. She looked to Sara with fear in her eyes. "Sara?" 

Sara stepped over and pressed two fingers against Mrs. Davis's neck. "She needs a doctor." She whispered. "But she has a strong pulse." 

Rainey breathed a sigh of relief. She was very glad someone knew what they were doing but Sara was playing this by ear also. Anything she knew had to do with what she read in books. Sara and Rainey lifted Mrs. Davis by one on each side of her. They struggled her passed the living room and into the backyard without detection but Johnny wasn't in the yard. 

"Damn it! Where is he?" Rainey shouted in a whispered tone. They gently laid Mrs. Davis on the ground. 

"I'll get him." Sara said and before Rainey could protest Sara was back inside. "Johnny." She whispered. "Come on." She went to his room where he was busy packing some toys. "Johnny come on, it's time to go." 

"Hey Sara. I was packing my favorite toys for the trip." He said brightly. 

"Shh. Grab them and let's go." 

"Sara!" Rainey shouted and Sara bolted from the house where she found Mr. Davis with a knife in hand and standing over Rainey and her mother. She didn't think she just ran, right into his back at full force knocking him down. 

"Run!" Sara yelled. 

Rainey got to her feet and began to pull at her mother's arm. "Get up! Get the fuck up!" She screamed. Sara ran to her aid and grabbed the other arm. "Johnny let's go!" Rainey yelled to her brother. 

Johnny sprinted through the yard after Sara and Rainey but so did Mr. Davis. He grabbed Sara by the hair and threw her back to the ground. "So you're my daughter's best friend." He said as he towered above her. "Let me introduce myself." He kicked Sara in the side that sent her into a coughing fit. 

"Leave her alone you bastard!" Rainey charged him from behind but he back handed her and she fell to the ground. The knife gleamed in the moonlight. 

Sara saw him moving towards Rainey with the knife and got up and jumped on his back punching him in the head. Sara jumped down before the knife caught her and ran hoping he would chase her. He did but unfortunately grabbed the back of her raincoat. She twisted out of it and tried to run again. It all proved useless as he tackled her to the ground. Sara screamed at the sudden pain she felt tear through her body as he lay on top of her. 

Rainey ran after them to pull her father off of Sara. As she pulled him back he jus reared back and slid the knife into Rainey's stomach. 

She looked down at her wound. "Sara..." And she fell to the ground breathing heavily. 

"No!" Sara ran to Rainey but Mr. Davis caught her in the action and brought the knife right across the waistline on her hip. Sara felt the pain instantly and fell back to the ground. She looked over to Rainey laying in the wet grass. She smiled. Despite it all Rainey smiled which made Sara cry. It hurt so much to see that her friend was ready to die. She kept her eyes fastened to Rainey's eyes willing her to live but Sara watched those eyes until all life left them. 

It started to rain again. Sara lay bleeding five feet away from her best friend. Among the numb feeling as the blood ran from her body, Sara felt her body shake with fear. The rain pelted her face and the tears became one with the rain. 

tbc... 


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Notes: Well here is the last chapter of 'Learning to Live'. I have to say it was enjoyable even though it was somewhat upsetting. This chapter is a long one but I just couldn't break it up. I would like to thank all of you that encouraged this fic and told me what you thought. I am unsure if an epilogue is in order but I won't know until it just eats at me. Well see, I guess. 

Chapter 7 

On July 11th 2002, thirty-one year old Sara Sidle stood over the grave of her beloved friend. No tears escaped her eyes. She was beyond that. For the last nineteen years she has visited the grave of Larraine Davis alone. She has brought flowers sometimes; on the better days. Today wasn't a better day. Recalling the incident was always part of the trip but this time it was harder. Sara began to recall the day in greater detail as the week drew closer to that fateful day. The small things were usually invaded by the end result, but this year she remember everything and sadly this left room for the what-ifs. Sara felt the knot forming in her stomach. She could feel the scar burning beneath the waistband of her low rise jeans. She reluctantly touched it with the tips of her fingers. It still hurt but she refused to cry. It only made things worse and she didn't need to get worse. 

She heard footsteps behind her but did not acknowledge them until the owner said her name. 

"Sara." 

She turned to see Gil Grissom standing only ten feet away from her. "Grissom." It was all she could say because of pure shock. If anyone were to be here, he was the last one. The man that told her she was too close to her cases. The man that saw her as emotional. The man that she would do anything for, even try to forget the past. He stood there looking at her with those blue eyes as she stood above a grave. 

He wanted to smile; she was surprised. He knew he was the last one to be here. He pushed her away and yet he found himself driving after her. He was afraid she left him and Vegas. She was short with everyone for the passed week and he was afraid he screwed up once again. He was afraid that she was gone for good. He called her both on her cell and at home, but when she didn't answer he did some research. "You request the same three days off every year." He said finally. 

"Why are you here?" The question wasn't intended to be cold but it was obvious that any other time he wouldn't give her a second thought on days off. He was the one that encouraged her to take days off to begin with. 

He wasn't affected by her abruptness. She was always to the point and very direct. He just pointed to her hands that hung at her sides. "Your nails. You started biting your nails again. I knew something was wrong." 

Sara lifted her hands. The nails were shorter than she usually kept them and pink from the constant biting. She was amazed he even noticed such a small thing. "It's a bad habit. My mother used to scold me about it." She almost smiled at the memory. "She thinks I am too intense." 

He looked at Sara's posture then at the grave. He didn't know who the grave belonged to, but he was sure whoever it was, it was important to Sara. His first impression was that the person was an old case that wouldn't leave her alone. He didn't want her to burnout. He warned her many times before about things like this. Visiting the graves of those lost; the ones that you can't ignore; the special ones. She meant too much to him. He told her to get a diversion out of love. He couldn't watch her get hurt. He looked at her face. She was tired, he could see it. Her eyes that were normally clear were clouded by something he didn't want to admit he saw. He approached her to stand on the right side of the grave. "You left Vegas in a hurry. You okay?" 

She looked back to the grave. "Fine. Yeah. How did you find me?" 

"Nick. He told me." 

Sara heard the hurt in his voice. He was jealous that he was never told about this place, but she never told Nick either. Nick's nosey nature and brotherly love caused him to stumble across the hotel reservations to an inn outside San Francisco. "You know he found out by accident. I never told him." 

He was amazed she was able to read his mind and muttered a "Thanks." 

She shrugged and changed the subject. "It's a nice night." 

"Very nice indeed." He glanced at the sky then back to Sara. "You look tired." 

"I am." She admitted as her eyes fell back to the headstone. "It's the least of my worries right now though." 

"Can I ask why you come here?" His question was a mere whisper. He didn't want to sound threatening or cause her to pull away. 

"Forgiveness. I couldn't save her." She gauged his reaction. He was about to say something but she cut him off. She needed to tell someone. She needed to open up. Once she made the decision to tell him she let it all come out in a gush of words and feelings. "Her name was Larraine Davis. She was my best friend as a kid. We did everything together. She was killed by her father trying to save me." Grissom's face twisted in confusion. "She was pulling him off me when the knife just slipped right into her stomach. I went after him and he cut me across the hip on my left side. I watched her die then I saw him kill his wife; stabbed her six times in the chest. After that he got in his car and left, that's when her little brother ran to the police. I was rushed to the hospital but there was nothing they do for Rainey and her mother. When the police finally found Mr. Davis a month later, he was dead. He shot himself in the head." She felt the tears coming but she kept going. "I got a hold of the records concerning the case when I became a CSI. I found out Rainey was abused physically for years and her mother was abused physically and sexually. I never saw it. I should have but I never did. Mrs. Davis was like a second mother and I didn't see it. The fact that Rainey was my best friend and I still didn't see it makes even more of a difference." 

Grissom stood in utter silence. She was twelve; so young, too young to live with such a burden. He didn't know the whole story but he knew enough to realize this was her hell. She blamed herself and yet she had no control. It all made sense. He looked at her closely and noticed her hands were shaking. "Sara, how long have you kept this to yourself?" 

She pointed to the date on the headstone. "Since July 11th, 1983." 

"You never told anyone?" He asked fully aware of the repercussions of keeping yourself closed off to those around you. 

"Besides those who were there and my parents, you're the first." She forced a smile. 

He came closer to her. "Sara you were twelve. There is no way you are responsible." 

She ignored him. "I started to wonder if he would have raped me had she not pulled him off me. If he did, she might be still alive. If I would have noticed sooner...If I didn't climb into that window to get in the school...If I didn't leave her alone...If I ran a little faster....If I screamed a little louder so the neighbors could hear she might still be alive. I have come here for the passed nineteen years in search of peace. I still have yet to find it." She turned to him. His eyes full of compassion; for her. "I know it bothers you when I get involved with domestic abuse cases and the rape cases but it's personal Grissom. I knew them. I saw them everyday. I helped Mrs. Davis and Rainey with laundry before. Grissom I _knew_ them and I let them down. When those cases come in, I am reminded yet again that maybe I can't bring closure for all of them. I can't even save those closest to me." 

He didn't allow time for silence to take it's affects on the story. He needed to reassure her now before the past swallowed her. "You still aren't responsible Sara. I don't like to see you get involved because I don't want to see you burn out." 

"It's the 'what-ifs' that drag me down Gris. It's hard to get passed the 'what-ifs'." 

He sighed. He knows what that is like. "I know Sara, but there was nothing you could have done. I am sure." 

"My brain keeps trying to tell my heart that, but I think it's just as stubborn." 

He wanted to touch her; to let her know he was there for her but he stopped himself. She didn't want his sympathy even though it was love. "Let me take you home." He said cupping her elbow. 

She looked at his hand then back to his eyes. "I can't." 

"Please Sara." He begged. 

"I promised her that I would never forget." 

He was seeing it. That tired, lifeless, dreadful look of someone losing the battle. She was on the edge of burning out. He was losing her, even though she was standing right in front of him he was losing her. "Sara, you have to let this go. You'll burn out." 

"I can't." She repeated. 

"It will eat you away Sara. I don't want to stand by and watch it happen." 

Her brow knitted in contemplation of his words. They were friendly and caring. He was showing how he felt. He was showing that he cared about her without some cryptic device to disguise his feelings. Yet in those eyes she saw exactly what she could never be. She would always express empathy for the victims. She quickly looked away to the thousands of graves of lost loved ones. "I have tried to keep my distance Grissom, and it hasn't worked. I have tried a diversion and it hasn't worked. I have tried to get out more and it hasn't worked. You can't run from the past. I've tried and it hasn't worked." 

He paused and considered his options. It was time to tell her. She needed to know that she can get through this and he was ready to help even if it meant exposing himself. "Sara believe it or not but I know what it's like. I know because it happened to me." 

She brought her head around to face him. "What?" 

"It's happened to me Sara. I burnt out. I was put on a leave of absence for three months. I know about the nightmares, the cold sweats, the hunger, the restlessness, the pain, everything. You didn't do anything wrong to deserve the screams Sara. You just care so much that you blame yourself when things don't go right. It's as simple as a guilty conscience. You have a good heart Sara and I know it hurts." He inched ever so slightly to her. "I reached a point when I could remain unhurt by anyone and by my work. I tried to push away the feelings, any feelings, to put it all behind me and move on. I rely on that instinct to live. It was working for awhile then..." His eyes brightened. "You came along. When I met you, you turned my world around. You have such a drive for life and learning that it made me realize that I was dead. Sara, you showed me that life isn't all bad images and bad feelings. It's beautiful too." 

Her head was spinning. This wasn't happening. The same Gil Grissom she accused of having no feelings was once too emotional with his cases? He was unable to remain detached from a case? He had to take a three month sick leave? He was warning her all this time because he knew what it was like. It didn't seem imaginable. Then he mentioned her and beauty again but this time it wasn't hidden behind a case or work. He stated it as a fact for the world to hear. "That's what you meant?" 

He smiled at the fact she remembered the day he told her that he was interested in beauty since he met her. "Yes. I didn't mean to leave you confused. Again." 

There was another pause of reflection, but Sara had to break the silence. Silence left room for regret. She didn't want Grissom to regret telling her. "Can I ask how it happened?" 

He was relieved that she was so willing to talk to him, about something. "I was in my second year as a CSI. There was a serial killer that killed four families in their sleep then sent videos of the killings to us. He had no heart Sara. I met evil when I saw that first tape." He paused taking in her appearance. "We caught him eventually, but after that case everything became personal. It was easy to get swallowed by a case. A new one came in and it seemed there weren't enough hours in the day to give them all the attention they deserved. I thought that if I didn't solve it soon it would become a habit for the killer, and he would harm countless others. I burnt out. I was ordered a leave of absence for three months to get it together. I still struggle on the bad days; when I see you get swallowed by a case." He caressed her cheek without thought. "Sara it took me a long time to move pass the images and to stop blaming myself. I didn't tell you because I was afraid, but now I don't want you to burn out because I was too afraid to be with you." 

It was quiet for awhile as Sara took all the information in, then finally came to rest on one solid fact. "You're here." She said simply. 

He smiled as his thumb brushed her lip. "I am here." 

"With me." 

"With you." 

"Touching me." 

"Touching you." He left his hand remain on her cheek for a moment longer, marveling at her soft skin, before dropping his hand to his side. 

She looked away from him then down to Rainey's grave while her hand found his and gave it a quick squeeze. "How did you do it? How do you treat every case the same way?" 

"I never had a case that I could actually relate to the victims but some do get personal. I know I can't be any help to anyone if I lose myself in one case. I try to think about all the other ones that need my attention too. I know it sounds cold, but they have to be just cases for me. That's the only way I can help the victims and myself." 

The first tear Sara has shed in a long time tumbled down her cheek before she could wipe it away. "I don't want to see or hear the women anymore." 

"Sara, look at me." He held on to her hand and pulled her eyes away from the grave to meet his. "You shouldn't do this to yourself. You aren't to blame for any of the victims or your friend's death." 

She tore her eyes from his and looked to the sky to keep from crying. "Grissom she was the best friend I have ever had. She's gone and I have no one." 

"You have me Sara." It took no thought at all, the words were completely natural. Sara's head whipped around to look at him. He gave her a small half-crooked smile at her reaction. He surprised her again. He brushed her hair behind her ear again without thought. "You'll always have me." She did not question the meaning or why he said them, she just accepted them. No analyzing or worrying what might be thought, she just fell into his chest. Her arms embracing him in a warm friendly hug. He closed his eyes briefly at the sensation as he wrapped around her back to welcome her in. 

"I don't want to burn out Grissom." She whispered. 

"I know." He breathed in her hair as he held her tight. She finally pulled away to see his eyes. They were so blue; she couldn't remember when they were so blue. Her eyes stung with tears. "You okay?" He asked also searching her brown eyes. 

"I think I will be." She released him from the hug. "Thank you Grissom. For being my friend." 

He nodded. "You ready to go home?" 

She gave another second glance at Rainey's grave. It was time to say good-bye. Sara made a promise to herself that she would not come back. Rainey wouldn't want her living like this. Grissom wouldn't want to pick up the pieces, if she did. Sara didn't want to hurt her friends. This was her battle. She knew that this was not an immediate fix but it was a start. It was a start in the right direction. "I'm ready." She said finally. 

He cupped her elbow in his hand and lead her down the hill away from the victims of death. 

End 


End file.
